I'm not your Superwoman...yes I am.

For the last 27 years I have struggled with my weight. I was born 10 lbs 2oz…I’ve always been a big girl. I have tried every fad diet, had countless trainers and exercise buddies, and fasted religiously. I always lose weight…rapidly. I never have a problem getting rid of unwanted weight. I have done all the research to know what works best for my body. I know that I am sensitive to gluten and my affinity for chicken wings keeps my body in a state of acidity. So why oh why am I still over weight?? Because I am scared. I see my body changing and I begin to think about the extra attention, the added expectation, the pressure to maintain it and I get in my car and go to the nearest fast food restaurant to undo what has been done. I start to worry about all my big girl friends who won’t want to hang out anymore and all the skinny girls that I CANNOT stand wanting to be around me. I think about the pool of men attracted to me widening and I get terrified.

I have always been an EVENT, I have always had people around me but a part of me always felt like I was invisible. I was safe. My fat kept me safe. Safe from men wanting me and ultimately forcing themselves on me, safe from people expecting too much when I already felt bogged down to be the golden child, and safe from my loved ones turning their back on me assigning the title of “stuck up” or “knowitall” to me when strangers already assigned such titles. I felt safe from the audience of people secretly waiting for me to fail because I was fat. If I lost that I would have nothing to hold onto, nothing pointing out my imperfection, nothing to excuse my failures.

As a child and a student, I was always hailed as the “special one” I got special consideration, harder assignments, and higher expectations. I used to cry to close friends that I was not perfect. I would purposefully mess up to prove my imperfection. As I got older and entered the work world, I was always quickly promoted within a few weeks of starting a job, I was the apple of my professors eyes in college classes, and I was always the one that “made it” within my circle of friends and family. And there it was, that constant expectation to be perfect but I was fat and that wasn’t perfect that reminded everyone that I was human and now when I watch the numbers on the scale drop faster and faster with each day, I clench my butt in fear. Why can’t I do this wrong? I want to scream I’m not perfect but the scale seems to mock me each morning missing 3 or 4 numbers from the day before.

Growing up feeling the pressure of perfection, I just want a little insurance that I won’t become this perfect superhuman role model in the eyes of my friends and family. Perceived perfection can get lonely, when your mother doesn’t share important information with you because she’s afraid of being judged because you have such a perfect life, when your friends constantly call for advice or money or to get support even but aren’t available when you need support because you’re so strong why would you need support?

And people that are close to me would read this and scoff “Ana is far from perfect, don’t worry” but my self-sabotage has insured that I have a bit of humanity. But the reality of it is, I have a light, I AM special…we all are. We all stand out in one area or another. For some reason, I lost my identity young. Being shunned by social groups and family, as well as being mocked and made fun of because of jealousy was a scarring experience as a child and I decided immediately to dim my light. I have seen this in students in my classrooms. It’s not cool to be bright, so they grow silent and invisible. It’s safe there, there are not constant tests and attacks of your character from those intimidated by you and there are no unrealistic expectations from those inspired by you. You simply stay quiet and non-confrontational and people leave you alone, maybe even feel safe enough to accept you into their groups. At least that was part of my story until I decided to take my power back or maybe establish it for the first time ever as I examined what the real issue behind my Yo-yo  weight drama.

 I am no longer ready to forfeit my health to feel human; instead I will set boundaries and clearly state limitations. I will celebrate my strength and fierceness instead of hiding it under a watered down version that is more comfortable for others.  I am coming out of hiding. The fat that once guarded/imprisoned me is melting away and I have turned my back on the restaurant/fast food that once kept me conveniently shielded from unrealistic expectations and the stress of perfection. I of course am not perfect and will never be no matter what my weight but I have committed to addressing my real issue, the issue of boundaries, limitations, reality, and honesty. As I dig deeper more and more is revealed to me about my journey and how my past informs my present and future. I look forward to the power I am sure to feel once I get my body in full alignment with my spirit.

Until next time, remember: Healing is a movement! 

Balance

So, I am a student of tantra. Hold your gasps. I dont hump anything that moves, as some would expect from such a student. Tantra is the art of healing Yin energy with Yang energy and vice versa. It assumes that balance is required for whole and complete healing. In each of us is both male and female energy. To maintain a balance both energies have to be at sufficient levels. In each woman there is a bit of male energy and within each male there is a bit of female energy. When the balance is off we can recognize it by the deficiencies that are present, we may experience mental issues, physical disease, fear when it comes to the opposite sex and even cramps for us women.

We are all searching for balance. Aren't we??? I have certainly spent the last few years on a search for my other half but this year as if i have been struck by a lightening bolt, I have lost that NEED. Maybe because most of my pursuits have ended up at dead ends, maybe I am tired of people watching and wondering with nothing to show them, or maybe Ive given up. Im not sure. From the beginning, I have had a rather tumultuous relationship with men from absentee father, abusive step fathers, rape, emotional abuse, and years of neglected yearnings. I have had positive males in my life lets not be confused but it has never been the kind or amount of love I thought I deserved.

But still I would pick myself up from what ever disaster I found myself in and decided to Love even harder. I find I have loved many almost to a fault. But now I am not interested. The love I stalked like a wild Jaguar I have found in professional pursuits. But my question is, is this temporary? Will I eventually fall out of balance? Who says I'm balanced now?

Despite my tone of concern, I believe this change is a good thing. I have had time to focus on loving my life and loving me. I always resented people that would tell me that I needed to Love myself first. "Screw you! I love myself already" I would think but deep down I always wondered if I was worth loving if I wasn't good enough to be loved by my father, or the man with whom I was carrying a child, why would I love me. Well, I lost the baby, we broke up with my fiance, and my Dad and I are still healing from our seperate mess. It all sounds sad a tragic but now as I sit with plenty of plans and my dance card filled I feel nothing but Love for my life. But the world tells me I shouldnt be happy even the practice I have been studying suggests that I need a man to achieve ultimate balance and healing. But I don't have a desire to commit to anyone right now. I love spending time with men and I have a few I flirt with and date from time to time but most of my energy has been spent on developing myself as a business owner and a whole woman. I have spent this year in a chrysalis, licking my wounds and telling myself it will be ok. But what if this doesnt go away? What if I turn into the ultra hip auntie with no kids and no husband. Will I  be lacking the life the whole world says I need? Am I being dramatic? Probably. But hey! This is my process.

Until next time.

Dust to Dust

Both of my Grandfathers have passed onto the next realm this year. Within two months of each other they were gone. They both died after suffering a stroke. I must admit that I am devastated. My grandpop died first. He raised me and gave me all the foundations of what it is to be loved by a man. He danced with me in the living room, he taught me algebra, he participated in every graduation ceremony, he frowned at my boy friends and he told me I was beautiful. My second grandfather met me shortly after I met my father when i was 15. We spent my 25th birthday sitting in the gallery (porch) of his house in Trinidad. He was the man that taught me about forgiveness and second chances. He gave me a peek into who my father was that no one else could give. He too told me I was beautiful, and was proud of me, and only saw sweetness in me. At the end of each oversees phone call he would say "stay sweet and be blessed" I can almost hear him now. We shared a personal relationship that no one had access to except for us. Because he was so far I can pretend he is still here but he's not and just like in the mourning process with my first grandfather, I hit little pockets of sadness when I realize he is really gone.

All of this death has left me thinking about legacy and perspective. With both of my grandfathers I experienced love that was unmatched and special but I recognize their humanity as well. On both sides people were left with unresolved issues, resentment, regrets, and grief. I have to accept the fact that no one is perfect, even myself. Someone will always feel slighted; none of us will leave this world with everyone being deeply sorry for the loss. But my question is: Does that make our life any less important? As I watch both my parents deal or not deal with the unresolved issues that lay in my grandfather’s wake, I wonder, can I ever truly forgive those who have hurt me and can those I have hurt ever forgive me and does it matter?

We all tend to focus on the negative. When a friend hurts our feelings we blot out all the good times we have had with that person, when a lover is lost we lament over all the ugly they did to us and decide we're better off without them, ignoring the time and good love that was invested at some point. Death doesn’t end our suffering in this realm...so what do you do with it?

At funerals, only the positive are normally discussed and celebrated so what do the living do with the hurt that is left? I'm at a loss right now. I loved both of my grandfathers with all that I had and looked to their love for me as an example for how I needed to be treated. As I look around, I realize that my feelings are not necessarily representative of the whole. So what is their legacy?

Charles R Wilson was an engineer and inventor; he went to Stanford, Johns Hopkins, and Penn State. He was a black man that accomplished much and took care of his family until the very end. He overcame disabilities and racial barriers and became limitless. That is his legacy to me.

Earl Phillip was a charismatic lover of life and women, a member of the Trinidadian Army and traveled. He loved God and spent his later year’s atoning for his earlier mistakes. He recognized his flaws and worked honestly to gain forgiveness from those he loved and also may have hurt. He had a strong faith in God and the beauty of God and understood the importance of forgiveness. He understood everyone's humanity and from his own mistakes could understand the mistakes of others and worked hard to forgive every day. That is his legacy to me: To forgive and be realistic and honest with yourself first. God knows and sees.

I am thankful for the perspective I have gained from both these men. I count myself lucky to now have them in the spiritual realm looking out for me. I send love and light and kisses to both of them. I also promise not to let either of their legacies die within me. I will be limitless every day and forgive myself and others every chance I get, no matter how hard.

The other Cheek

So as I have been fasting, I’ve been super duper challenged. It seems that people at work, home, and in my social groups have all put a lock on the target on my back and are firing. As an Aries, I have a tendency to blow at unexpected times and intervals. But I am trying to achieve spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical transformation here! So I can’t turn into the Queen of hearts and yell “off with their heads!” So what do I do?

Do I turn the other cheek? Do I ignore it? Oh please just let me yell it just once…twice…ok three times then I’ll stop! Promise!

Ok so we know that no matter how much I yell nothing will truly be accomplished. What I have found is that even though it gets uncomfortable and it is definitely tiring we must woman or man up and be the bigger person when in situations that we feel our boundaries or standards of being treated have been violated.

I entered into a horribly dysfunctional non relationship relationship a few years ago and the havoc this thing wreaked was gargantuan! The tears, the triangles, the shame, the public embarrassment…it was all horrible. Why did I enter and continue in such a situation? Because I wanted love and it was nice at first and because I began that “turn the other cheek” stuff. I got dizzy…really dizzy. The fact is turning the other cheek isn’t the only or best option.  So how did I get out of it with my cheeks intact (insert funny comment about my butt here)? I walked away first. Then I addressed those that needed to be addressed and then I moved on (there goes that forgiveness bit again).

Walking away doesn’t have to be as dramatic and hurtful as some would make it out to be. Before you walk away though, you have to first acknowledge that the situation isn’t good for you. Then make a plan and walk away. Remember that walking away from the situation is merely a step back for you to gather your senses and decide what to do next. Walking away from a situation is about you not anyone else. The other person or group of people may not even notice you have stepped back. They may not come looking for you, screaming “olly olly oxen free!!”. They may even celebrate or make up ugly things behind you but again this isn’t about them this is about your boundaries and standard of treatment.

Addressing those that need to be addressed is a tricky one. In each “other cheek” cheek situation there are players and non player or instigators. Players are those who have directly crossed a boundary or have sullied your standard of treatment. The non players are the hallelujah chorus, the friends, the officemates, the audience if you will. These people don’t need to be addressed. Addressing the players will be exhausting enough without adding a 20 or 30 person posse of lessers. Addressing the players will take patience, tact, and pure unadulterated honesty. Now keep in mind that you may be the only one playing by these rules so don’t get frustrated when you don’t get the same consideration. First you need to make sure you are not lying to yourself, organize your thoughts, be clear, and as rational as possible. When we get emotional we tend to shy away from the actual issue and deal only in feelings which doesn’t serve our best purpose. I’m not saying don’t be emotional, I’m saying be as clear as possible as what your actual issue is. Take responsibility in the issue, whether you want to admit it or not we all play a role in our reality, good or bad. So what if you can’t take the person or group aside? Write it out. While I admit this isn’t as gratifying it will serve the same purpose. It also gives the player a chance to correct their actions. Clarity is always best when teetering on the abyss of curse out.

Then move on, forgive. A lot easier said then done. But forgiveness is doable. Wallowing in the issue will only piss you off. And pretty soon you won’t be able to look at your best friend watch a funny commercial, or deal with your sibling yawning without wanting to explode. Whomever you have an issue with, say what you have to say and let it go. You have to make a decision as to where the player or group of players belong or fit. If they don’t fit anywhere, that’s fine just commit to wherever you put them.

This process can take forever depending on where you are and the type of boundary or standard. For me, it took one full calendar year to deal with the non relationship relationship but I’m happy and me and the players are clear and amicable. And with the energy I have saved I have had time to grow and flourish as a person. So I need to remember that when I walk into an office meeting, or any other current situation for that matter. I hope it was good for you! It was good for me! Until next time!

*note* I am NOT  saying that one should abandon the idea of turning the other cheek but in situations in which you feel violated, or abused you dont have to keep turning the other cheek. Most people respond to cheekage after a while but for those that don"t get it and seem to like to slap you...this blog is for you!

Be Selfish...Forgive

Forgiveness is a challenge for many...ok it’s a challenge for me. I have this uncanny ability to hold onto the feelings of rejection, disappointment, and distrust like they were a multimillion lottery ticket. I have been known to hold a grudge until it disintegrates in my hand. But...why? What purpose does it serve?

I personally have used it to simulate some sense of power over a situation. When I feel wounded, feeling self-righteous about how I was wronged becomes my armor. But, as I have learned in the past, this un-forgivingness will eat away at you.

For years I held my father’s absence over his head. I relived the years of abuse I endured in his absence and I took every opportunity to remind him. But one day I found that all the torture I was trying to get him to feel, all the pain I wanted him to see in me, came crashing down on my head. I found myself in the living room of my Aunts house in wrapped in a towel, curled up in a ball, crying hysterically, my hair had begun to fall out over the stress I insisted on living every day, in the name of not forgiving my father.

He didn't deserve to be forgiven! What he did (or didn't do) hurt me. But what I didn’t realize was that I wasn't hurting anyone more than myself by not forgiving my father.

Often we look at forgiveness as something we do for others, when really we forgive for ourselves. When we let go of whatever hurt has been caused, when we choose to be free of that pain, we are helping ourselves. Forgiveness is one of the most selfish and justified acts that one can commit.

People tried to tell me to let go, "just let go" they would say. But to me it wasn't that easy. I felt that if i "let go" that would mean that I had lost, I would be saying that I deserved all that I endured. Forgiving meant to me that I wouldn't get to heal, I wouldn't get to be validated, but the truth is forgiveness is the beginning of the healing process. To forgive does not mean erasing whatever has happened from your memory, it doesn’t mean ignoring it, it simply means to take the power of that situation back for yourself. It means neutralizing the pain, rejection, disappointment and moving past it.

Forgiveness is also a process. As easy as it seems to just let go, there is also a process to it. If someone has wronged you, you have the right to be mad, its dwelling and wallowing in it that is the problem. So be mad, yell, scream, and cry but do that with the understanding that this is not the end. Again, forgiveness is just the beginning.

So what happened between me and my Dad?  I cut my hair off, got a protein treatment, held onto my anger all the way to Nicaragua, didn't speak to him until I got back to the states. I screamed, and cried, he hugged me, I forgave him, and we began to get over it. Do I want to slide back into the familiar feeling of holding a grudge against him? Do I feel like a victim? Do I hold the occasional pity party? Yea. But then I realize that I don’t like the way that feels, so I do the work, I identify why I am back in that space and I pull myself out of it. I forgive, every day I need to and it’s hard but it’s worth it. Forgiveness looks better on me anyway.

Fasting is How I Pray

I started fasting 4 days ago. I fast to communicate my commitment to achieving a task to God. I’m an emotional eater so fasting is my way of showing God that I am willing to be uncomfortable to get what I am praying/ hoping for.

So lets take this entry one “Bite” at a time.

When I was little when I cried grandma would give me a cookie. My solace from an abusive household was Grandmas house. Grandma had cookies, sodas, personal pizzas, candy, pies, chips…the list goes on and on. As a child I equated security, peace, and joy with food…really really fatty food. I ate until I couldn’t eat anymore or it didn’t hurt anymore rather. My Grandmother was the most loving person I have ever met. So I also began to equate food with Love. So a I grew to quell the pains of rejection, hurt, and depression I would pour food over it. I literally found relief in food. It was like a drug.

When I was a teenager I was raped. And like magic my body image issues had a purpose… protection. If I was big and got bigger, who would look at me? Who would bother me? Nobody! So I ate and tried my best to become invisible. All the while, allowing all my emotional needs to be met by my sweet sweet lover called FOOD. During my first Reiki session (we’ll talk about reiki later) I was told that if I continued to eat the way I was eating I would end up leaving this plane. So I decided to fast, thinking it was just about my weight.

Fasting, you will lose weight but its not about losing weight. For me it began about cleansing, and then became more about a connection with God. A connection I rely heavily on to complete all of my fasts.

I usually fast for at least two weeks. When most people hear me say that Im fasting they immediately assume I’m not eating at all. This is not true. Fasting means to go without something that you usually rely on to get through the day. Someone can fast from chocolate, liquor, or processed foods. Some fast from sun up to sundown. Some go without all food. I usually fast 24/7 for, like I said, at least two weeks. I employ the Daniel fast which is a fast which includes only fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, and water. Sometimes I may end a fast with the Lemonade cleanse. If I do this, I will add a few days of just liquid to get my body ready to only consume the lemonade blend.

I wouldn’t recommend such an intense fast for those who are not used to fasting, as my first attempt at fasting landed me in the hospital. Your body needs to be prepared for the journey. People say you shouldn’t tell anyone you’re fasting because they may intentionally or unintentionally discourage you. While I feel that a fast is a personal thing between you and God I think that it is also important to let those who love you know what’s going on. Your mind, body, and spirit needs to be prepared for what you are attempting.

The first days may include headaches and discomfort as your body is getting used to being without certain impurities. There is a literal detox phase as if you were detoxing from a drug. After the first few days is when the really fun starts. Your relationship to feed will be revealed. I discovered my dependence on food when I got into an argument with a friend and immediately went to dial the nearest pizza place for chicken and pizza. Without the food to muffle my feelings I was forced to deal with them, or at the very least, acknowledge them.

My longest fast lasted 3 months. I was fasting for my brother who was incarcerated at the time. Fasting has become the way I pray. I prayed to God that my brother be released, I visited him every week, and I cried a lot. But I believed and promised God that I would fast until he came home and I did. Some may say that my fast had nothing to do with his release but my fast was my way of backing up my prayers. So many of us go to God with a laundry list of things we want and don’t utter one word about what we are willing to do for the blessing, or about our commitment to the blessing.

For those who say the price has already been paid, I say this, I understand but if some one came to you once and said they really needed some water and would die without it but then never said anything about the water again, would you think them serious? What if that person got up every morning at 4 am and cleaned out a pitcher and walked it to you and asked for water? After 3 months, what would you do? This is how I view fasting. When I fast it is my way of saying, “God, I’m serious”. Whatever I’m asking for is more important than food, than my comfort, than my drug, than my crutch.

When I fast, I feel clearer, and more focused. It has also taken the comfort off of food and placed my comfort in God. Is it hard? Hell yeah it’s hard! Am I saying everyone should fast? No. I think each person should do research and look into how best to achieve whatever they are looking for, be it a slimmer physique or a closer relationship with God.

So I’m back at the alter, I’m fasting and I plan on fasting for the next 3 months. This will be a ride. But I’m glad you guys are here for the journey! Tally hoe!

The first step

So, who said Healing was easy? In my 27 years of life healing has NEVER been easy. I currently have a cold. I got it from my client. I have had a  cough, sore throat, and stuffy nose for the past week. Today I wake up to mucus. Yuck! right? Wrong! My body is healing itself. Disgusting? Oh yea! But who said healing was pretty? Its not! But breathing easy in a few days will be worth a day or two  of mucusiness.

In order to heal you must make a decision every day to dive into the ugly, to confront the painful in the interest of coming out whole. But what happens when you heal and those around you don't? I tell you what happens, you find peace. You move toward personal healing with or without others permission or company.

 One of my biggest struggles has been reconciling with the feeling that in healing I am in essence leaving people that I love very much behind. And no matter how much I kick and scream, delay my own progress, or beg and plead,  that some people just won’t be taking the healing journey with me. The work is hard, and it has a tendency to get lonely but the light at the end of the tunnel is absolutely worth it. Your healing is about you. The commitment is to you. Find something to believe in. Find an entity to pray to, scream at, cry to, laugh with, and hold on tight. The journey has begun and it is yours! 

The first step is the hardest, and so is the second and the third and the fourth, but eventually it gets better. Take a deep breath,  pack a bag, and get to it!