Balance

So, I am a student of tantra. Hold your gasps. I dont hump anything that moves, as some would expect from such a student. Tantra is the art of healing Yin energy with Yang energy and vice versa. It assumes that balance is required for whole and complete healing. In each of us is both male and female energy. To maintain a balance both energies have to be at sufficient levels. In each woman there is a bit of male energy and within each male there is a bit of female energy. When the balance is off we can recognize it by the deficiencies that are present, we may experience mental issues, physical disease, fear when it comes to the opposite sex and even cramps for us women.

We are all searching for balance. Aren't we??? I have certainly spent the last few years on a search for my other half but this year as if i have been struck by a lightening bolt, I have lost that NEED. Maybe because most of my pursuits have ended up at dead ends, maybe I am tired of people watching and wondering with nothing to show them, or maybe Ive given up. Im not sure. From the beginning, I have had a rather tumultuous relationship with men from absentee father, abusive step fathers, rape, emotional abuse, and years of neglected yearnings. I have had positive males in my life lets not be confused but it has never been the kind or amount of love I thought I deserved.

But still I would pick myself up from what ever disaster I found myself in and decided to Love even harder. I find I have loved many almost to a fault. But now I am not interested. The love I stalked like a wild Jaguar I have found in professional pursuits. But my question is, is this temporary? Will I eventually fall out of balance? Who says I'm balanced now?

Despite my tone of concern, I believe this change is a good thing. I have had time to focus on loving my life and loving me. I always resented people that would tell me that I needed to Love myself first. "Screw you! I love myself already" I would think but deep down I always wondered if I was worth loving if I wasn't good enough to be loved by my father, or the man with whom I was carrying a child, why would I love me. Well, I lost the baby, we broke up with my fiance, and my Dad and I are still healing from our seperate mess. It all sounds sad a tragic but now as I sit with plenty of plans and my dance card filled I feel nothing but Love for my life. But the world tells me I shouldnt be happy even the practice I have been studying suggests that I need a man to achieve ultimate balance and healing. But I don't have a desire to commit to anyone right now. I love spending time with men and I have a few I flirt with and date from time to time but most of my energy has been spent on developing myself as a business owner and a whole woman. I have spent this year in a chrysalis, licking my wounds and telling myself it will be ok. But what if this doesnt go away? What if I turn into the ultra hip auntie with no kids and no husband. Will I  be lacking the life the whole world says I need? Am I being dramatic? Probably. But hey! This is my process.

Until next time.

Dust to Dust

Both of my Grandfathers have passed onto the next realm this year. Within two months of each other they were gone. They both died after suffering a stroke. I must admit that I am devastated. My grandpop died first. He raised me and gave me all the foundations of what it is to be loved by a man. He danced with me in the living room, he taught me algebra, he participated in every graduation ceremony, he frowned at my boy friends and he told me I was beautiful. My second grandfather met me shortly after I met my father when i was 15. We spent my 25th birthday sitting in the gallery (porch) of his house in Trinidad. He was the man that taught me about forgiveness and second chances. He gave me a peek into who my father was that no one else could give. He too told me I was beautiful, and was proud of me, and only saw sweetness in me. At the end of each oversees phone call he would say "stay sweet and be blessed" I can almost hear him now. We shared a personal relationship that no one had access to except for us. Because he was so far I can pretend he is still here but he's not and just like in the mourning process with my first grandfather, I hit little pockets of sadness when I realize he is really gone.

All of this death has left me thinking about legacy and perspective. With both of my grandfathers I experienced love that was unmatched and special but I recognize their humanity as well. On both sides people were left with unresolved issues, resentment, regrets, and grief. I have to accept the fact that no one is perfect, even myself. Someone will always feel slighted; none of us will leave this world with everyone being deeply sorry for the loss. But my question is: Does that make our life any less important? As I watch both my parents deal or not deal with the unresolved issues that lay in my grandfather’s wake, I wonder, can I ever truly forgive those who have hurt me and can those I have hurt ever forgive me and does it matter?

We all tend to focus on the negative. When a friend hurts our feelings we blot out all the good times we have had with that person, when a lover is lost we lament over all the ugly they did to us and decide we're better off without them, ignoring the time and good love that was invested at some point. Death doesn’t end our suffering in this realm...so what do you do with it?

At funerals, only the positive are normally discussed and celebrated so what do the living do with the hurt that is left? I'm at a loss right now. I loved both of my grandfathers with all that I had and looked to their love for me as an example for how I needed to be treated. As I look around, I realize that my feelings are not necessarily representative of the whole. So what is their legacy?

Charles R Wilson was an engineer and inventor; he went to Stanford, Johns Hopkins, and Penn State. He was a black man that accomplished much and took care of his family until the very end. He overcame disabilities and racial barriers and became limitless. That is his legacy to me.

Earl Phillip was a charismatic lover of life and women, a member of the Trinidadian Army and traveled. He loved God and spent his later year’s atoning for his earlier mistakes. He recognized his flaws and worked honestly to gain forgiveness from those he loved and also may have hurt. He had a strong faith in God and the beauty of God and understood the importance of forgiveness. He understood everyone's humanity and from his own mistakes could understand the mistakes of others and worked hard to forgive every day. That is his legacy to me: To forgive and be realistic and honest with yourself first. God knows and sees.

I am thankful for the perspective I have gained from both these men. I count myself lucky to now have them in the spiritual realm looking out for me. I send love and light and kisses to both of them. I also promise not to let either of their legacies die within me. I will be limitless every day and forgive myself and others every chance I get, no matter how hard.

The other Cheek

So as I have been fasting, I’ve been super duper challenged. It seems that people at work, home, and in my social groups have all put a lock on the target on my back and are firing. As an Aries, I have a tendency to blow at unexpected times and intervals. But I am trying to achieve spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical transformation here! So I can’t turn into the Queen of hearts and yell “off with their heads!” So what do I do?

Do I turn the other cheek? Do I ignore it? Oh please just let me yell it just once…twice…ok three times then I’ll stop! Promise!

Ok so we know that no matter how much I yell nothing will truly be accomplished. What I have found is that even though it gets uncomfortable and it is definitely tiring we must woman or man up and be the bigger person when in situations that we feel our boundaries or standards of being treated have been violated.

I entered into a horribly dysfunctional non relationship relationship a few years ago and the havoc this thing wreaked was gargantuan! The tears, the triangles, the shame, the public embarrassment…it was all horrible. Why did I enter and continue in such a situation? Because I wanted love and it was nice at first and because I began that “turn the other cheek” stuff. I got dizzy…really dizzy. The fact is turning the other cheek isn’t the only or best option.  So how did I get out of it with my cheeks intact (insert funny comment about my butt here)? I walked away first. Then I addressed those that needed to be addressed and then I moved on (there goes that forgiveness bit again).

Walking away doesn’t have to be as dramatic and hurtful as some would make it out to be. Before you walk away though, you have to first acknowledge that the situation isn’t good for you. Then make a plan and walk away. Remember that walking away from the situation is merely a step back for you to gather your senses and decide what to do next. Walking away from a situation is about you not anyone else. The other person or group of people may not even notice you have stepped back. They may not come looking for you, screaming “olly olly oxen free!!”. They may even celebrate or make up ugly things behind you but again this isn’t about them this is about your boundaries and standard of treatment.

Addressing those that need to be addressed is a tricky one. In each “other cheek” cheek situation there are players and non player or instigators. Players are those who have directly crossed a boundary or have sullied your standard of treatment. The non players are the hallelujah chorus, the friends, the officemates, the audience if you will. These people don’t need to be addressed. Addressing the players will be exhausting enough without adding a 20 or 30 person posse of lessers. Addressing the players will take patience, tact, and pure unadulterated honesty. Now keep in mind that you may be the only one playing by these rules so don’t get frustrated when you don’t get the same consideration. First you need to make sure you are not lying to yourself, organize your thoughts, be clear, and as rational as possible. When we get emotional we tend to shy away from the actual issue and deal only in feelings which doesn’t serve our best purpose. I’m not saying don’t be emotional, I’m saying be as clear as possible as what your actual issue is. Take responsibility in the issue, whether you want to admit it or not we all play a role in our reality, good or bad. So what if you can’t take the person or group aside? Write it out. While I admit this isn’t as gratifying it will serve the same purpose. It also gives the player a chance to correct their actions. Clarity is always best when teetering on the abyss of curse out.

Then move on, forgive. A lot easier said then done. But forgiveness is doable. Wallowing in the issue will only piss you off. And pretty soon you won’t be able to look at your best friend watch a funny commercial, or deal with your sibling yawning without wanting to explode. Whomever you have an issue with, say what you have to say and let it go. You have to make a decision as to where the player or group of players belong or fit. If they don’t fit anywhere, that’s fine just commit to wherever you put them.

This process can take forever depending on where you are and the type of boundary or standard. For me, it took one full calendar year to deal with the non relationship relationship but I’m happy and me and the players are clear and amicable. And with the energy I have saved I have had time to grow and flourish as a person. So I need to remember that when I walk into an office meeting, or any other current situation for that matter. I hope it was good for you! It was good for me! Until next time!

*note* I am NOT  saying that one should abandon the idea of turning the other cheek but in situations in which you feel violated, or abused you dont have to keep turning the other cheek. Most people respond to cheekage after a while but for those that don"t get it and seem to like to slap you...this blog is for you!