Balance

So, I am a student of tantra. Hold your gasps. I dont hump anything that moves, as some would expect from such a student. Tantra is the art of healing Yin energy with Yang energy and vice versa. It assumes that balance is required for whole and complete healing. In each of us is both male and female energy. To maintain a balance both energies have to be at sufficient levels. In each woman there is a bit of male energy and within each male there is a bit of female energy. When the balance is off we can recognize it by the deficiencies that are present, we may experience mental issues, physical disease, fear when it comes to the opposite sex and even cramps for us women.

We are all searching for balance. Aren't we??? I have certainly spent the last few years on a search for my other half but this year as if i have been struck by a lightening bolt, I have lost that NEED. Maybe because most of my pursuits have ended up at dead ends, maybe I am tired of people watching and wondering with nothing to show them, or maybe Ive given up. Im not sure. From the beginning, I have had a rather tumultuous relationship with men from absentee father, abusive step fathers, rape, emotional abuse, and years of neglected yearnings. I have had positive males in my life lets not be confused but it has never been the kind or amount of love I thought I deserved.

But still I would pick myself up from what ever disaster I found myself in and decided to Love even harder. I find I have loved many almost to a fault. But now I am not interested. The love I stalked like a wild Jaguar I have found in professional pursuits. But my question is, is this temporary? Will I eventually fall out of balance? Who says I'm balanced now?

Despite my tone of concern, I believe this change is a good thing. I have had time to focus on loving my life and loving me. I always resented people that would tell me that I needed to Love myself first. "Screw you! I love myself already" I would think but deep down I always wondered if I was worth loving if I wasn't good enough to be loved by my father, or the man with whom I was carrying a child, why would I love me. Well, I lost the baby, we broke up with my fiance, and my Dad and I are still healing from our seperate mess. It all sounds sad a tragic but now as I sit with plenty of plans and my dance card filled I feel nothing but Love for my life. But the world tells me I shouldnt be happy even the practice I have been studying suggests that I need a man to achieve ultimate balance and healing. But I don't have a desire to commit to anyone right now. I love spending time with men and I have a few I flirt with and date from time to time but most of my energy has been spent on developing myself as a business owner and a whole woman. I have spent this year in a chrysalis, licking my wounds and telling myself it will be ok. But what if this doesnt go away? What if I turn into the ultra hip auntie with no kids and no husband. Will I  be lacking the life the whole world says I need? Am I being dramatic? Probably. But hey! This is my process.

Until next time.