For the last 27 years I have struggled with my weight. I was
born 10 lbs 2oz…I’ve always been a big girl. I have tried every fad diet, had
countless trainers and exercise buddies, and fasted religiously. I always lose
weight…rapidly. I never have a problem getting rid of unwanted weight. I have
done all the research to know what works best for my body. I know that I am sensitive
to gluten and my affinity for chicken wings keeps my body in a state of acidity.
So why oh why am I still over weight?? Because I am scared. I see my body
changing and I begin to think about the extra attention, the added expectation,
the pressure to maintain it and I get in my car and go to the nearest fast food
restaurant to undo what has been done. I start to worry about all my big girl
friends who won’t want to hang out anymore and all the skinny girls that I
CANNOT stand wanting to be around me. I think about the pool of men attracted
to me widening and I get terrified.
I have always been an EVENT, I have always had people around
me but a part of me always felt like I was invisible. I was safe. My fat kept
me safe. Safe from men wanting me and ultimately forcing themselves on me, safe
from people expecting too much when I already felt bogged down to be the golden
child, and safe from my loved ones turning their back on me assigning the title
of “stuck up” or “knowitall” to me when strangers already assigned such titles.
I felt safe from the audience of people secretly waiting for me to fail because
I was fat. If I lost that I would have nothing to hold onto, nothing pointing
out my imperfection, nothing to excuse my failures.
As a child and a student, I was always hailed as the “special
one” I got special consideration, harder assignments, and higher expectations.
I used to cry to close friends that I was not perfect. I would purposefully mess
up to prove my imperfection. As I got older and entered the work world, I was
always quickly promoted within a few weeks of starting a job, I was the apple
of my professors eyes in college classes, and I was always the one that “made
it” within my circle of friends and family. And there it was, that constant
expectation to be perfect but I was fat and that wasn’t perfect that reminded
everyone that I was human and now when I watch the numbers on the scale drop
faster and faster with each day, I clench my butt in fear. Why can’t I do this
wrong? I want to scream I’m not perfect but the scale seems to mock me each
morning missing 3 or 4 numbers from the day before.
Growing up feeling the pressure of perfection, I just want a
little insurance that I won’t become this perfect superhuman role model in the
eyes of my friends and family. Perceived perfection can get lonely, when your
mother doesn’t share important information with you because she’s afraid of
being judged because you have such a perfect life, when your friends constantly
call for advice or money or to get support even but aren’t available when you
need support because you’re so strong why would you need support?
And people that are close to me would read this and scoff “Ana
is far from perfect, don’t worry” but my self-sabotage has insured that I have
a bit of humanity. But the reality of it is, I have a light, I AM special…we
all are. We all stand out in one area or another. For some reason, I lost my
identity young. Being shunned by social groups and family, as well as being
mocked and made fun of because of jealousy was a scarring experience as a child
and I decided immediately to dim my light. I have seen this in students in my
classrooms. It’s not cool to be bright, so they grow silent and invisible. It’s
safe there, there are not constant tests and attacks of your character from
those intimidated by you and there are no unrealistic expectations from those
inspired by you. You simply stay quiet and non-confrontational and people leave
you alone, maybe even feel safe enough to accept you into their groups. At
least that was part of my story until I decided to take my power back or maybe
establish it for the first time ever as I examined what the real issue behind
my Yo-yo weight drama.
I am no longer ready
to forfeit my health to feel human; instead I will set boundaries and clearly
state limitations. I will celebrate my strength and fierceness instead of
hiding it under a watered down version that is more comfortable for others. I am coming out of hiding. The fat that once
guarded/imprisoned me is melting away and I have turned my back on the restaurant/fast
food that once kept me conveniently shielded from unrealistic expectations and
the stress of perfection. I of course am not perfect and will never be no
matter what my weight but I have committed to addressing my real issue, the
issue of boundaries, limitations, reality, and honesty. As I dig deeper more
and more is revealed to me about my journey and how my past informs my present
and future. I look forward to the power I am sure to feel once I get my body in
full alignment with my spirit.
Until next time, remember: Healing is a movement!
